That's All I Can Stands - The Transcribed Television Interview of Former President Bill McClintucked on FOCKS News - With Host Ronald Herbert Rather Wallace-Walters Herbert Walker-Winfree

Part One
(with a nod to Rx. I got the "what to think about" line from her)

Announcer's voice (over logo advertising next program): Stay hooked up for "Good Morning, Robots." Ronnie's guest on "Good Morning, Robots"... former President Bill McClintucked, all about his tell-all, one-thousand page confessional detailing all the super- juicy-wuicy details regarding what history, and God, will most certainly judge as a sordid, paltry, wasted, and misused life spent in shameless abandonment of all civic and philosophic decency. It's entitled Yellow Submarine. You're watching Classic Arts Showcase. HA HA! Just fooling!

(video montage of various graphics showing an American flag, familiar District of Columbia buildings, and still and moving shots of various politicians - all of these intercutting with full screen color shots of FOCKS News newsreaders and personalities, as the announcer's voice continues) You're watching FOCKS News. At FOCKS News we present both sides - Right and Left - of the most purile subjects and pointless, dead end arguments that are currently available! We don't tell you what to think - we tell you what to think about! Well, and really also what to think, as well! We don't care! Sor-reee! Keep watching FOCKS News! And fuck you!

Announcer: (speaking very quickly) FOCKS News is a division of Many-Headed Spewing Monster, Inc. All content and commentators are wholly owned by FOCKS News, which is exclusively responsible for their reliably predictable content. FOCKS News is owned by a much larger media empire, which is the property of an even larger media empire, which is then owned by a larger media empire than that, which is then owned by a much bigger and larger media empire, which then owns, intellectually and otherwise - if one can possibly use that "intellectually" term, in this case, of course - which then owns, as we were saying, all other media empires, and so on, into infinity. You get the idea. It's all the same deal. We're really very large. You're really just trapped, I'm afraid.

(electronic music plays that is meant to instill excitement, fear, awkward sombreness, and a desire to buy gasoline)

Host's voice: (as we view still shots of President Bill McClintucked, former President of the United States of America): President Bill McClintucked. Who is he? Hmmmmmm.

Pretty interesting question, isn't it!? I mean, when you really think about it. Huh? You betcha.

An anomoly. A husband. A father. An adulterer. A dreamer. A big dreamer. A dreamer of adulterous, big dreams. A frivolous, passing fad of eight consecutive years on the pages of America's otherwise noble history - before the people who really rule got smart and taught America who the Big Cheese really is, around here. He's been called "The Come-Up-With-Something Kid." He was a President. Now, he's an ex-President. OR should I say

(the letters XXX PRESIDENT appear on the screen in large red letters, with numerous "boing boing" sounds, over a photograph of a stark naked McClintucked superimposed over a photo of the White House)

Host: Oh ho ho!! Hello! And, now, he's an author! The writer of a one thousand page book. And I already mentioned that he's an adulterer.

(we see a shot of a large book with a grinning Bill McClintucked on the cover)

Host: Tonight, as he's done on every other television outlet on the planet, except ours, he's finally come around to acknowledging the existence of we, here, that is, us... the existence of us, here, at the studios of FOCKS News!.... Not that we've ever done him any favors, ourselves, of course. Or shown him the tiniest small sliver of respect due to someone who was actually elected to his former high political office, which, we begrudgingly and reluctantly, sulkingly admit, he was. We also admit that his office was a high one. And how! A great power is the Presidency of the U.S.A. - and he was elected to it! God damn it all! Twice, too! We freely admitted it, as we skulked around for a decade with our tails between our legs and our noses sniffing right up virtually anything we could lap up to incriminate him! Wheeeeeee!

We went to see him. (Walker-Winfree's voice drips, only quite momentarily, with pure and utter hatred) We visited him at his cushy estate somewhere in New Jersey. You'll see him as he actually talks to us about his actual new autobiography YELLOW SUBMARINE: My Big, Fat Great Autobiograpy - and we had him for five full hours, as we asked him humiliating, presumptive, and sickening questions - and watched him prostrate himself, once again, before the entire gawking and gaping world.

(we see the program's host, sitting on a chair in the middle of a black screen)

Hello, I'm Ronald Herbert Rather Wallace-Walters Wilson Walker-Winfree..... But , please, let me do you a favor : call me Ronnie! Good Morning, Robots!

(logo for program comes on)

Announcer: Welcome to "Good Morning, Robots" with Ronald Herbert Rather Wallace-Walters Wilson Walker-Winfree! Hey! Tonight's Guest: Ex-President-elect William Washington McClintucked! And then, after the "President-elect " part, he was President! I couldn't vote for him, even if I'd wanted to! Or for anyone else! Because I'm a felon!
And, now: Ronald Herbert Wallace-Walter.... um.... Okay, here he is.

Ronnie: (getting right to the point as music fades to a tense undertone): Earlier this week, and with a two-camera crew, we took a tour of the ex-President's New Jersey home, which he shares with the powerful, blonde, and formidible Senator Guinevere Hiltonhotelchain-McClintucked, former First Lady, and now United States Senator from New Jersey.

(Ronnie Walker-Winfree is at the gate of a rather stately country home. The background music is gone. He walks up to the gate, and buzzes an intercom monitor.

A voice with a friendly Southern drawl, and a slight hoarsness, comes over the intercom. It's McClintucked )

McClintucked: Hello?

Ronnie: (in a sing-song voice) Hellooooooooo! Let me iii - iiiiiiiinn!

McClintucked: (with a voice indicating alarm) Uh, who is this?

Ronnie: It's meeee-eeeeeeeeeeee!

McClintucked: Yeah? And who are you?

Ronnie: HA ha ha... you don't know?

McClintucked: (sounding entirely serious) No. I don't.

Ronnie: (looking nervously at camera) Now, now, Mr. President, don't be a silly. Don't you know who this is?

McClintucked: (very long pause) Uh.... MSNBC?

Ronnie: (annoyed glance at the camera, and then over to an off-camera assistant, then trying to smile warmly, again, looking into closest camera): Um, no-hoooooo, Mr McClintucked!

McClintucked: Well, tell me, then... "Democracy, Now with Amy Goodwin" ?

Ronnie: Um... no.

McKlintucked: Family Circle Magazine?

Ronnie: Ummmm... nope!

McClintucked: Parade? Disney Kids? The Berkeley Barb? Entertainment Tonight, again? Punch? Time Magazine? Cinemafantastique? Senior World?

Ronnie: No! To all!

McClintucked: Please just tell me.

Ronnie: (now really forcing embarrassed smile at the cameras) Uh... no, Mr. President! (sing-song) Just let me ii-hiiiin! Tee hee hee! Right now-how!!!!

McClintucked: Oh, come on. Do yah want me for me to call our security?

Ronnie: (with a little more forcefulness, but still playful): Would you really like for me to tell you? Hmmm? Would-ya would-ya??

McClintucked: Yes. Yes, I would.

Ronnie: (voice echoing, snarling, and amplified, as wind blows with sudden fury, the sky becomes dark, and lightening flashes overhead): I AM A REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE PIT OF THE DEEP, FIERY AND ETERNAL, DEMANDING THY OBSERVANCE ON THIS DAY -- FOR I AM IN PRESENT AND PITCHED STRUGGLE TO WIN THOSE SOULS TO WHICH NUMBER ARE COUNTED AN AUDIENCE OF POTENTIAL HOME TELEVISION ATTENDEES TO THIS, MINE EFFORT , HERE AT YOUR SECURITY GATE INTERCOM DEVICE.
AND THEY SHALL SERVE ME AS ONE WOULD A GODHEAD, VERILY ALSO OF A MOST SUPREME CREATOR! YE SHALL AID ME IN THIS CONQUEST OF THEIR LIVING AND IMMORTAL SPIRITS, OR , BARRING THIS, THOU WILT BECOME AS ONE OF THEIR WEAK RAINMENT - LOST, MUCH CONFUS-ED, AND MUCH IMPOVERISHED IN PRESENCE, COMPORTMENT, AND IN ALL WORLDLY STATURE - HOPELESS BEYOND COMFORT. LOOK ON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR!.... Okay?

McKlintucked: Well, I'll go ahead and come see what you want. But that doesn't sound very nice, what yah just said. All right, here's the buzzer...

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Part Two, very shortly

original contents copyright 2004 by the author. any likeness to persons, living or deceased, without satiric intent, is both unintentional and a tremendous coincidence.