R.A.C. & G.W.B!! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!! Well, no, not exactly, but I think it looks funny

July, 2001
Washington, D.C.

Richard A. Clarke: And, so, there you have it, Sir.

GWB: Wow. That's really something. Glad I sat down with you. That was amazin'. What is-sit called, again? Cy-bo-terror?

R. Clarke: It's cyber-terrorism. I think it'll be a big problem, as I've explained.

GWB: Yeah, ya did. (to an assistant) Yah gettin' all this?

RC: While we're at it, Sir, I've cut this particular briefing just a little short-

GWB: Say, so ya did! I 'preciate that, Clarke. The Condster told me that you'd want a full two hours. Means I can get to that prayer luncheon a little early! Thanks. Those people never say as much, but they get a little snippy-like if yer half a second late. They're in a hurry. Ya know. Rapture's comin'.

RC: Actually, Sir, I stopped total focus on the cyber-terrorism issue a little early because I had something else I wanted to speak with you about that concerns a larger, but related, topic-

GWB: Say, you're a pretty bright feller. I thought you were in charge of all the anti-terrorism stuff 'round here. Whatcha doing briefing me on just this 'puter business?

RC: To be frank, Sir, it's taken me half a year to even get a meeting with you about this subject.

GWB: Whatsa matter? Being a little loose with the chores 'round here since we took the reigns? Aww, that's okay. Ya must've been exhausted after the transition... all that guardin' against the "Millenium-ne-um threat. And fer all I know, our party was trying to stick even you with a subpeany all throughout them 90s. (suddenly very concerned) We didn't, did we?

RC: Uh, no, sir. And, actually, I happen to be a registered Republican.

GWB: Damn, thas a good thing! Everyone has assured me that without someone like you 'round here on the ol' lookout we "new" folks'd all be royally screwed-up-in-the-hindquarters-area in the event of some ol' attack! I mean we'd maybe be kilt! Heh heh.

RC: Uh.. heh... heh.

GWB: Naw, I'm sure yer likely ta keep us safe.

RC: I hope so, SIr.

GWB: Okay, "Terror Man".. what's on yer mind? (to assistant) Kin we be sorta private-like, myself and Senor Ricardo, there? (assistant leaves) Heh heh, he's a good say-ker-o-ta-teery but I can't call 'im that! (smirking awkwardly) Have ta call him mah 'sas-sistunt! Heh heh heh. ...yah know?

RC: Sir, I've really wanted to speak with you about Afghanistan for months, now, and particularly about the Taliban and al Quada.

GWB: Afghanis... hey! Oh-ho.. I get it! I remember. So yer the one that's been a-pestering Ricey-baby about them "cells" and sech!

RC: I've simply been persistently requesting some sort of audience, or at least a principals meeting-

GWB: Principals meeting! Ooooo! Sounds heavy to go and meet wit' the PRINCIPLES, don' it, now! Oooooooo!!
Well, I'm as high on that par-tic-u-lar tree yer tryin' ta shake as anyone else 'round here- ceptin' fer (pointing upwards) Him!

RC: Howard Taft, Sir?

GWB: Naw, not the wall por-trait, Mister! I mean The Man Upstairs! Jesus H. Christ!

RC: Um, yes, Sir. However, seriously-

GWB: Am serious, Pilgrim. (coughs) Iraq.

RC: Sorry, Sir? ... Iraq?

GWB: Nothin', nothin'.

(Clarke says nothing)

GWB: Now, about this Afghanistanny business.... Maybe I've never been there.... in fact, maybe I haven't really been anywhere 'ceptin' Meh-hee-coh before I became yer U.S. President, but...

RC: Yes, which is.. remarkable. Be that as it may, you did just say "Iraq", Sir.

GWB: Um.... I did? When?

RC: Just then. Before you mentioned Afghanistan.

GWB: Oh. That's nuthin'. Just a daily reminder to myself.

RC: Reminder? May I ask of what, Sir?

GWB: .... It's a rehab thing.

(to be continued)