COINTELPRO

Sorry that I haven't posted in a week, but I thought I had better do it if only to satisfy the nonstop whining I've been getting in the thousands of emails I've received because of my overt absence. Good God, will you people never tire of me? There's only so much of me that you can lay claim to. And, listen: you don't have to keep all your comments only between you and I. Feel free to open up and post comments for everyone to see and enjoy. If I dislike them I'll simply delete them faster than you can say "That's all right, Mr. President- I'll answer that question for you."

Man, oh, man... if you few fellas out there who read me - yes, even men form a portion of my vast fanbase- if you guys didn't go to join your sisters at the March for Women's Lives this most recent weekend - then that's great- because it meant that much more for me. And let me tell you it was squeeze city all throughout the D.C. for a true tiger such as myself. We partied until the very sunrise, and it's taken me all this time to get past my headache enough to be capable of typing a few well-placed words.

But it wasn't just the endless fun - it was the planning of world domination by subversive forces that really always switches my lights on. Oh, the plans We, the UnHoly, have: the overthrow of Family Values, of course, being first on our list, but followed none too quickly by heartfelt rebellion against all Men of True Character (the "Character" issue is really a big, big deal with Us) and then piqued by a good healthy dollop of plans for a ruthless, furtive crusade and battle against all that occurs in the name of righteousness, decency, morality, and self-reliance. Just for fun we rounded up every copy we could find of anything written by Adam Smith and Ayn Rand (they were quite prolific writers, those two!) - and then used them to set alight our marijuana cigarettes laced with extasy (extacy? I get the spelling for that so messed up, I'm always on "the x" when I try to find out the spelling from my co-abusers) but also fringed with a little pure heroin, just to be Old Skool about it. Then we went out in a very large and spiritually ugly vigilante-style mob armed with frying pans, potato "ricers", softball and baseball bats, and those things that you used to see advertised to lock up steering wheels in cars... and we beat up five policemen!

And what orgy of this sort would be complete without a communal orgasm gazing at a wall-sized photographic collage of Karl Marx, Mrs. Roosevelt, and The Great Horned One, Himself, Satan, all of them being depicted "getting it on" with one another? No orgy that I would ever want to attend.

So you guys really missed out. Secretly, we hope to join our Republican brothers (and sisters) in their race towards the Apocalypse, that's all. You have a problem with that? Hell, I wanted to grab a few of those decidedly awkward anti-reproductive rights people and bring them to our party, letting them in on what they clearly don't understand, yet -- that we're all on the same side, ultimately. Those people think we're all just a lot of bookworm hippy-dippy pushover naive Goddess worshipping duped vegan French speaking elitist neocommunists... which is probably, also, why they feel they can be such incredible bullies to Us, the UnGodly Ones, too, I suppose. Let's just face it.

But, truthfully, we're just helping things along, albiet behind the scenes, satisfying both our need for instant gratification of the most hedonistic variety imaginable, and our UnHoly Dream for Total Real Chaos by fomenting non-Judeo-Christian sympathies wherever we may go, so that one day males will dominate women completely and entirely, when the Far Right finally wins, after all the real men in the world have decided that they'd had just about enough, that the oil had run out and had permanently left humanity with nothing left to do, and no recourse to do anything clever about it, nothing cleverer than making sure those missiles have all been fired, and the landscape is as stark, lifeless, and devoid of future potential as Los Angeles County has automobiles.

And speaking of the Apocalypse, well-placed words, and geeks: something I noticed at the March as festivities began to wind down was that in a song that Ani DiFranco sang onstage she used the term "COINTELPRO".. and, no, I'm not calling Ani a geek. Actually, I'm calling her a pixie: she's a pixie! And I'm not being nasty, Ani. And sorry if I spelled Ani DiFranco or COINTELPRO's names incorrectly, because, as I've explained, I still have a headache.

No, the reason I've brought up geeks is that I thought the infamous term COINTELPRO was only really commonly thought to be seriously pondered by geeks, and nowadays only on the internet, of course. Or in the cheapest and shabbiest of publications. But paranoia has really hit the mainstream, now, man. Which is to say that women also, apparently, ponder such things as this term, COINTELPRO, that I had heretofore thought was only pondered within a certain ilk of our amazing society. If you want to know what COINTELPRO means if you don't happen to know - even if you simply want to know what it means because Ani DiFranco was mentioning it in a song and not because you have a Paranoia-Enabling Worry Habit- rather than explain it, here, I'll task you to do a search for it on your most secure and trusted search mechanism- even though we all know there's no such thing as a secure search mechanism, anymore. Don't we?

Of course, I wasn't really altogether "into" "The X-Files", and am probably and irrevocably "out of the loop" as far as what's popular is concerned - except for this my very popular blog website. As a result of this "nonloopiness" I was so impressed that Ms. DiFranco included "COINTELPRO" in her lyric (I'm sorry, but I've been far too busy with my myriad of evil purposes to pay much attention to her, and was thus ignorant of this song before I heard it at the Gathering of the UnGodly on the Mall. Well, actually... I saw her singing it on C-SPAN) that I've decided, in order to be one of the very-hip-and-with-it, Modern Day A-Go-Go That's Way Cool, Daddio type of people, that I will attempt, at least once a week, to include the term COINTELPRO in my postings from this time, onwards. So tell me that that isn't something to look forward to.

Return very soon! You know you want to do it - coming up:

Fun With Dick and George, Part One