mr. grumpyhead's

Aboard Air Force One, part 3

-- George and Jeb have, with the help of the Florida National Guard, taken matters into their very own hands, secretly transporting Terri Schiavo to Washington via Air Force One --

Laura: George Walker Bush, you turn this thing around, right this instant, and you put that poor woman right back where you found her!

Jeb: Aww, now, come on, Laura, geez...

George: (somewhat tersely) Better let me handle this, Jeb.

Laura: You bring her back to Florida, or I'll have something to say about it, right now, to that press group here on the airplane.

George: Well, heck, Laura, I was gonna do it, myself, but if you wanna tackle it... Jes' remember that you'll be going on the record as opposition-eering an Official Extra Special Fabulous Nifty Decidedly Goofy and Actually Rather Frightening Congressional Subpoena summoning Mrs. Schiavo - you know, Terri - to that august body of lawmaking peoples.

Laura: You know just as well as I do that nothing's gonna change with that woman's condition-

(The Presidential telephone rings)

George: (quickly) Hold the thought, Laur- (into phone) yeah? Oh, great, put him on (to Laura) It's Delay. Gotta take this... (phone) Heeeey, Major Tom! Saw it? You kiddin'? You were great... the way ya villified that Schiavo guy right from the fabled and revered corridors of power in D.C., right there to the cameras, and the microphones, and all the reporters, in that conference, the things ya called him - Perfecto, Com-padre!.. The manner in which you, a powerful elected official of the U.S. Federal Government, characterized him as bein' such a bad, bad, rotten, nasty, yucky, yucky guy.... but what about that suggestion of calling him Michael "The Ripper" Schiavo? Ya decided not to use that line, huh?....

Jeb; (aside to Laura) Gotta admit, that "Ripper" thing was a tad over the line...

George: (directly to Jeb) Hey, shut the fuck up, huh? (to the telephone) No, I was jes" getting Jeb-Boy, over here, in line. Yeah, we got her aboard, Congressman, and we'll be announcing it to the press momentarily. We might have Laura do it. She said she wanted to! (he winks at Laura as she and Jeb glower at him) Mrs. Schaivo - you know, Terri - I'm certain is lookin' forward to meeting you all on The Hill when she answers the call to attend one a' those quickly organized "sucker punch" Emergency Sessions of Congress this week. See ya then! (hangs up telephone)

Jeb: (whining) Say, George, did ya hafta tell me to "shut the fuck up" like that to Tom?

George (in cold seriousness) Jeb, you're my brother... but never take sides against The Family, again. Ever.

(to be continued)

Aboard Air Force One (continued)

Laura: (with horror) On, Sweet Jesus Christ... you've gone and kidnapped Terri Schiavo!!

George and Jeb: (grinning wildly) Yep, we sure did!

Laura: But.. how... how did you do this??

George: (as both men's smiles vanish) Well, it certainly wasn't easy. Had to get Jeb's help, of course...

Jeb: (sheepishly) Yeah. We had to use what was left Stateside of the Florida National Guard, and a very large mirror for the use of a stage trick, the secret of which we acquired knowledge of - for a very pretty penny.

Laura: (dumbstruck) Stage trick?

George: Heh heh... yeah, we got it from those two German queens who do the magic show with all the animals out in Las Vegas! You know, the pair where one of 'em damn near got 'is face chewed off by a tiger, right there onstage? Medical expenses are high in the United States, even for guys like them who are as rich as they are, and I mean to keep it that way! My health policies certainly came in handy, this time!

Naturally, those fellas couldn't resist our generous offer to "borrow" the use of one of their greatest magicianal illusions to trick that complete bastard Mr. Schiavo... the utilization of this device bought us two entire hours where he thought she was there, just behind a thin curtain in her hospice room... when she wasn't! Heh heh. He prob'ly still hasn't caught on... Of course, to get those guys in Nevada to cooperate entirely, like keeping their gossipy yaps mum, we got Arnold out in L A to lean on 'em, a little.... nothing like that native German tongue between German compatri-ots to get the point acros't...

Jeb: Ahem... actually, Bro, I think they're all Austrian...

George: Yeah, but they speak that lingo, 's mah point. Yeah, okay. Whatever.

Laura: (quite cross) George Walker Bush, you turn this thing around, right this instant, and you put that poor woman right back where you found her!!

(continued manana)

Aboard Air Force One

(George and his brother, Jeb, are flying from Florida to our nation's capitol)

Jeb: Bro, you really did it, this time, I gotta hand it to ya!

George: Heh heh heh, yeah, this wez surely a good one, this time.

Jeb: Ha. And jes wait till these press people on the plane find out what is goin' on... and on this very flight! Yer a genius.

George: Thanks. I'm jes doin' the people's will, whilst distractin' 'em from the hard realities of... everythin'.... else... they might be worried about...

Jeb: Jes brilliant... does Laura know, yet?

George: Naw, I'm fixin' to tell her when she comes in here after chattin' up the Society Section writers 'bout her brave efforts for our nation's teenage boys...

Jeb: Huh huh, yeah. Yeah,well, she's gotta be put to use, somehow... heh heh heh...

George: Heh heh heh. (Laura comes in from another section of the aircraft). Well, here she is, now!

Jeb: (frightened) Ya want me to stay here, George?

George: (thinking) Yeah, if ya wanna, Jeb. Could be slightly... sticky, though...

Laura: What? What's sticky?

George: Laura, yer probably still wonderin' why, with so much else goin' on in the world, and the Social Security Liberation Tour, and Operation Iraqi Freedom, and the White House Easter Egg Roll, and everythin' else, why it is we had ta take Air Force One all the way down teh Florida on an emergency airplane excursion.

Laura: Yes, I'm still wonderin', and so is the press group... so is everybody.

George: They'll find out soon enough, jes as soon as we land in D.C. and are met by the extra heavy unit of Marines to accompany us downtown. But I thought I should let you know what was really going on before we arrived, Laura.
Honey.

Laura: "Laura Honey"?

George: (glancing wistfully but tensely at Jeb) : Okay, we may as well get this over with. (a man with a white coat and stethescope opens a door from a side room)
How's she doing , Doc? (Doc gives a thumbs up).

Laura: (suspiciously) George, "Honey," why is that doctor in that room?

George: Go ahead and take a look, Laura. Go on in...

(Laura takes the few steps towards the door, apprehensively, walks in, walks back out almost immediately)

Laura: Oh, my Sweet Heavens, George... you haven't...

(George and Jeb grin at each other, then grin back at Laura)

Laura: Please, please, don't tell me you boys have gone and...

George and Jeb: Yep! We sure did!

Laura: (with horror) Oh, Sweet Jesus Christ! You've gone and kidnapped Terri Schiavo!!

(to be continued)

The Inside Smack

Welcome to The Inside Smack, my new feature where I, who abide well inside "the Beltway" of Washington, D.C., will use my great gift for getting the dirt-caked knowledge and thrilling, truth-bespeckled facts about this place I've monikered "Our Nation's Capitol" -- just for use in my fabulous blog. And it's all for free! Tee hee! So, here we go:

ITEM: The "skinny" out on the street is that a certain George W. Bush is set for a "second term" as President of the United States, and that he will be commencing this "term" in some sort of ceremony this week which will either be followed or preceded by a somewhat bizarre parade down D.C.'s now-famous Pennsylvania Avenue, followed by a great many parties and "balls"... gee, sounds like it'll cost them a mint! Who pays for all this stuff?

ITEM: Don't look now, but we're at war in Iraq! Seriously! Well over a thousand U.S. soldiers have died there in the past couple of years, practically, and we ain't out yet!! Holy Christ! You should have seen who I had to fuck to come up with that gem!

ITEM: I've told you about the ritual ceremony to swear in the President, but what you may not know is that the Congress of the United States was already sworn in only a couple of weeks ago. They're up, shaven, and ready to go. This is how things work in what I like to call "this town."

ITEM: Boy, oh, boy: I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but it gets pretty damned cold in "this town" - truthfully! It's, like, twenty degrees, out there.

ITEM: Word has it that one of the lovable Bush twins now has a college degree, a teaching credential, and has signed on to teach at a Washington Public School. Who would have thunk it? Hah hah hah.

ITEM: I'm been assured that Puerto Rico isn't a state, but a United States "territory" of some kind. At least, I think that it's a territory. I'll have to find out what it is called, officially, somehow, and then get back to you with the up-to-date facts regarding this.

ITEM: Golly, if I didn't know any better, I would say that some of the secretaries and assistants in "this town" sleep with their powerful bosses. I mean, just look at them, Wowsy-wow-wow-wow.

That's all for this edition of The Inside Smack. Smack smack smack. Yummy.

Got any dirt or inside information for use in my blog? Then send it my way and I'll take all of the credit for it! Want to nominate my site for one of the many awards available? Have at it! Want to make a monetary donation to help maintain my blog? Go right ahead!

The Other Reason

The Other Reason

This may not be as dire an issue as relief to ravaged Indian Ocean survivors (in fact, i know it isn't, having been to a couple of those countries, myself) .... but given how Mr. Bush has made a show of bipartisan largesse, today, I want to bring something up.

Another thing that spurred me to start up my blog, again, believe it or not, was something that came to my attention last week via an article in a print edition of The New York Times.

It could be that this matter is being trumpeted far and wide on blogs, already, as it should be, or that it'll become one of the items in Jon Stewart's news summary tonight on The Daily Show, as it should be. I don't have the time to look up where this item is mentioned and, also, write about it with anything resembling competence. I'm not trying to be cool or uncool, here -- this matter really bothers me, however, so please continue.

It appears that the town of Salinas, California, as part of a response to a voter elimination or rejection of a sales tax increase of one half of a cent, is closing all three of its public libraries in the spring, possibly making it, according to the NY Times, the largest city in the U.S. without a public library. There are around 150,000 residents of Salinas, and I think it's fair to speculate who has brainwashed enough of the population that all taxation is bad enough for the town not to be able to afford a public library. This sort of thing is happening, not surprisingly, to libraries all over the United States. Or so says that ruthlessly commie rag newspaper mentioned above.

But what makes this story more laughably grotesque is that it's the town in which John Steinbeck, the internationally famous and widely translated Nobel Prize winning novelist, was born and raised. Not only that, but one of the libraries being closed is named, rather appropriately, The John Steinbeck Public Library. It's entirely possible that Steinbeck, himself, the guy who wrote The Grapes of Wrath, East of Eden and Of Mice and Men, once used the very library that was eventually named after him.

Let's go ahead and remind ourselves, here, that California is, according to any number of sources, among the top ten economies not simply of the United States but of the entire globe, as well. In other words, California is easily one of the wealthiest human communities ( if I can use that word "communities") that has ever existed in the history of our species. Or is likely to exist, given our present downward trend.

It could be that, simply in order not to become a cultural embarrassment the world over, the fine municipality of Salinas has changed its mind about acquiring the funds to at least keep one of these libraries open for at least , gee, I don't know.... four hours a week, which, I know, might be a tremendous expense for the town. Think of the valuable real estate underneath the libraries -- what a sacrifice that will be not to bulldoze each of these elitist cultural dens of iniquity and literacy to the ground, huh?

But I don't know that it's entirely fair to blame Salinas: the town's health care costs are going up, up, up, most of the people in Salinas are blue collar... why, Doc from Cannery Row, himself, might understand the problem of a choice between A) reading a book, or B) staying alive. Not that the voters were likely presented with a choice in such simple terms as A) you can eliminate that sales tax of half a cent, or B) keep that library system humming along, or at least enough humming to keep one damned library branch open for a few hours a week.

Things are never presented to voters in such easily understood terms. Unless you consider, of course, a lot of the rhetoric of the Democratic party, which often presents things in such simple terms that even an intelligent four year old child ought to be able to understand them.

But, gee, what bedraggled American is able to resist the cries of celebration coming from the corridors of power in D.C.? What's the Good Word? Our very richest got incredible tax relief? Yes! Huzzah! And California has always been a great tax relief leader. Again, Sirs, Huzzah! So, you people of lesser income just might be able to emulate us richer folk by... voting against a sales tax of one half of a cent! Makes sense? Okay!

We're so confident about this being good for America that we'll also have a war... that the richest people don't have to actually pay anything for! Some of us, tee hee, might even make a damned fine profit, and what's wrong with a profit? Don't you rabble like it that someone, somewhere, is at least making... a profit? Sure ya do! You don't want people thinking you're a spoil-sport communist bastard, do ya, Bunky? Right on, Brother!

What other ways can we get the huddled masses to absolutely screw themselves dry and raw? Convince each father in a family to buy a tank to drive around on the streets? Okay, sure. Even while insurgents in Iraq are trying all the time to blow up oil drilling sites, oil processing sites, and oil pipelines, you say? Okay, sure, why not? If we can make them spy on each other, too, here in the States, looking for everything from drugs to adultery to anti-American activities to the using of naughty words on the television and radio, all the time... and if we can also get them running from "Holiday" to "Holiday" soliciting approval from the nastiest alpha male in the family... if we can get the younger adults to hump themselves with advertisements convincing them that an overpriced diamond ring in a small box is really a "mojo box" and that women really ARE whores to be bought and sold courtesy of the wedding industry... if we can constantly convince the older people that they're getting sicker and sicker by repeating lists of maladies and conditions and illnesses to look out for at the end of our prescription drug advertisements... why, they'll be so incredibly frazzled and busy that they'll never know what actually hit them... and even when they find out they won't be able to even write it down because... they can't read or write, anymore!

More Fun, Next Time...

Okay, okay, okay

I know for a fact that almost no one cares about it, but I thought I should try this once again.
The reason I had stopped is because no one was reading anything. Then I realized that almost no one in the "blogosphere" reads, actually, very much of anything that anyone writes in the "blogosphere" very carefully or closely, unless that person is famous... or unless the writer's opinion either sharply contrasts or sharply mirrors their own views. The former type of blog they can get openly angry at, and the latter they can have a big circle-jerk around. I'm very sorry to state this, but you know it's true.

I did occasionally ask a couple of people what they thought of what I was doing. They told me my entries were too long, or that I didn't have enough links within the postings themselves. Things like that. The length thing I didn't understand, because a blog, obviously, is something one can easily come back to, and repeatedly. Were they only commenting on format? Like they'd be more comfortable in reading it if only the lengthier things were divided over several days? Hm.

The comments about linkages were an indication, I think, that I wasn't interested in showing how "on top of things" and "with it" I am. The length thing I can do something about. I'm not sure what to do about the other, because I'd rather write than spend that time hunting for things I could be certain anyone would care about. But, okay, perhaps I will try to do both. Perhaps.

I wasn't so much interested in demonstrating how much I know about current events as I was in being entertaining and/or funny about one topic at a time, and about something I could be reasonably certain I had thought about. Also, I reasoned that typing about my personal opinions in a "rant" manner would be a little useless, mainly because there's nothing at all unusual in doing things that way, especially now that so many people are doing this. Usually. Right?

Also, I felt that what was at stake politically, "culturally" (sorry to use that now over-used word), and so on, in the world, was much too serious to be too overtly and glibly serious about, if you see what I mean. People on either side of political arguments are often expert in mocking the earnestness of the side they disagree with, seeing these gut feelings as pretentions. Well, sometimes they are. On both sides, I'm afraid to say.

These intense differences of opinion aren't solving anything. Are they? Make fun of this, if you wish to (or, more likely, ignore it), but the Left, I've come to feel, is becoming just as bad at changing people's minds as the Right almost certainly is (unless they resort to arguments based entirely on fear, of course), and liberal types are guilty of losing important contests. One can easily feel that a lot of "progressive" sorts aren't really interested in persuasion as they are in supporting each other's opinions.

It's okay to preach to those who you think are as yourself in their own thinking, but when a particular issue being struggled with is a life-or-death matter, wouldn't the more useful goal, or at least as useful a goal, would be to find ways to change people's minds? Never mind if you feel that Right-wing radicals use nasty arguments and spiteful tactics. If someone bothered by how things are going is interested in using the same tactics, then how dirty is someone willing to go with it?

Anyway, I'll take another whack at this blogging matter, but I need to change one or two things in the look of it. Thank you for reading this far.

That's All I Can Stands - The Transcribed Television Interview of Former President Bill McClintucked on FOCKS News - With Host Ronald Herbert Rather Wallace-Walters Herbert Walker-Winfree

Part One
(with a nod to Rx. I got the "what to think about" line from her)

Announcer's voice (over logo advertising next program): Stay hooked up for "Good Morning, Robots." Ronnie's guest on "Good Morning, Robots"... former President Bill McClintucked, all about his tell-all, one-thousand page confessional detailing all the super- juicy-wuicy details regarding what history, and God, will most certainly judge as a sordid, paltry, wasted, and misused life spent in shameless abandonment of all civic and philosophic decency. It's entitled Yellow Submarine. You're watching Classic Arts Showcase. HA HA! Just fooling!

(video montage of various graphics showing an American flag, familiar District of Columbia buildings, and still and moving shots of various politicians - all of these intercutting with full screen color shots of FOCKS News newsreaders and personalities, as the announcer's voice continues) You're watching FOCKS News. At FOCKS News we present both sides - Right and Left - of the most purile subjects and pointless, dead end arguments that are currently available! We don't tell you what to think - we tell you what to think about! Well, and really also what to think, as well! We don't care! Sor-reee! Keep watching FOCKS News! And fuck you!

Continue reading "That's All I Can Stands - The Transcribed Television Interview of Former President Bill McClintucked on FOCKS News - With Host Ronald Herbert Rather Wallace-Walters Herbert Walker-Winfree"

What I'm Actually Thinking, Without Quite So Many Jokes.

Naturally, I expected the propaganda machine to fire into high gear when the weather got warmer, so I shouldn't be surprised about the immense media f*ckfest regarding the death of President Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Tha's right, I wrote "f*uckfest," Dudes, and please do have the decency to note that I show respect in referring to him as President Ronald Wilson Reagan, as well as not referring to the media orgy/worship the week of his death as "The Reagan F*ckfest."

Continue reading "What I'm Actually Thinking, Without Quite So Many Jokes."

No, I Haven't Been Beheaded As Of Yet

Yeah, I know. Not funny, is it?

But here's something that is funny! Just for the record: when I very occasionally look to see what brought people to my website incompararables, if that is, indeed, a word - I find that the most common linkage, time and time again, is not because I turned up on a search regarding President Bush, politics, grumpyness, grumpiness, The CIA, Richard A. Clarke, or even Mel "Fauking" Gibson - although I am showing up on Mel Gibson Google searches in Japan, apparently.... and actually rather high on the list, too! Gee, I'm sort of surprised I don't get more people over there coming to my site. Guess Mel ain't the rage he is over here.

No, the linkage, or whatever you call it, that brings hits to my site (get this)...

Continue reading "No, I Haven't Been Beheaded As Of Yet"

Of Course, I Meant "Tomorrow" At The End of My Last Post in the Symbolic, Figurative Manner

And, besides, I was in mourning. For our nation. I just don't know what we're all going to do, now...

Without further delay, allow me to present the final installment of my fictional conversation between Richard A. Clarke (remember him?) and The Mr. President, at the White House... set in those care-free days sometime in July, 2001.

Richard A. Clarke: But allow me to inquire: if it's the Islamic militant fundamentalists we fear so much, which is understandable, why are you fomenting the Christian-Right in the U.S. to continue with their nonsense? Why are you empowering them?

Continue reading "Of Course, I Meant "Tomorrow" At The End of My Last Post in the Symbolic, Figurative Manner"

Mr. Clarke and Mr. President, Part Four. Is it Part Four? I'm not sure, anymore.

I've been away to the Big Bruised Apple, and had to compete with my two female companions on the trip for private, quiet internet use... which ought to more than sufficiently explain why I haven't posted in so long a time.

However, my keen wits are always at the ready, and my saga of the almost Platonic/Socratic Clarke/Bush dialogue that has had so many of you on the very edge of suspense, and wonder, continues! Thank God it was largely prewritten! Here we go! (And do pay close attention, because I really explain it all, for you, the entire true mystery of what's really going on, in these next two postings. Whadda character. Oh, and I might mention for you hordes of newcomers that this is a fictional, and hilarious, pre-9/11/'01 conversation between our two heroes. And that you can ponder the previous amazing earlier parts of this masterwork on this very website. You lucky, lucky bastards!).

GWB: (exasperated) Yaw yaw yaw, yeah. I know: Asama ben Talibanny. They've all told me you had something in yer craw, Father. Yer gonna turn into some kinda bin-Blahdi-blah woo-ry-wart kinda guy. I'll just act like this last part of the meeting never even took place (puts hands over ears) La la lal-ly, la la la la la laaaaaaa! (singing)"As I-IIIIII walked dowwwwn the streets of La-ree-do..!"

Richard Clarke: Personally, I'm starting to really wonder why you're keeping me around here, Sir. I can hardly get a word in.

GWB: I told ya, Dicky bin Used- ta- be- with-Slicky! We gotta have someone to pin this on! If things go bad. We need to insinuate bad advice from saboteurs within the pre-vi-ous administration.

RC: Pin what, Sir?

GWB: Also, we need to have someone around, like I said, who takes the bother to actually know what to do just in case of emergency. Ya can't expect some other person I bring in to be as good as you folks. Who would I call? Kenneth Starr?? A-ha ha ha. Tee hee....Okay...(looks around) I tell ya... 'tween you and me... we gotta see to Iraq. See? If we try to do both what yer a-squawking about, and what we were placed here to do, it could be a big ol' Viet-Nammy kinda mess-like. Too much di-vers-if-i-ca-tion-a-tion of resources, too. But we gotta do Iraq... Ya know why?

RC: Why, Sir?

GWB: Because... Clinton didn't invade Iraq!! Allll-waaays gotta do jes' 'xactly what The Clinton didn' do!! HA HA HA HA.. Naw, just jokin'. Want to really know why?

RC: Hm. Is it because some day very soon electronic technology in automobiles and elsewhere will eventually reduce the "advanced" nation's consumption of oil so very much that it will impoverish the poor in the oil producing nations in the Middle East that much more than they presently already are, so that now even the very rich are starting to panic about it, but you don't want to announce that out loud and actually explain why you want to go into Iraq, because if that explanation came from official Washington announcements it would start this whole fear process that much earlier, and so you're taking the usual total hawk position from the very start as a slow solution to that problem? In other words, you're fearful of a revolution, there, in general, and that it'll be exploited by the fundamentalists the way that poverty and ignorance among white people is exploited here with marketing tactics by Corporate Evangelical Christianity?

GWB: Did I say all that?

RC: No. You didn't. Well, I guess this explains why we're putting all these gasoline consuming tanklike vehicles on the road, here, and encouraging people to actually buy the things, and during what would obviously seem to the average person like the eve of a potential energy crisis. Whether we have lots of oil, or not, people here won't really care when we don't need it, anymore.

GWB: Well, don'tcha worry. Someone will need it. Mebbe China, since the Russians are prob-ly about to spring a whopper crude deluge in Siberia that'll make the folks in "Giant" look like them ape-y creatures in that old spacey-type picture! You know, before they start a-touchin' the o-blong slabby thang that looks like a big ol' SUV turn up on it's bumper? Get it? Primitive-like, is my point.

But they, them Chin-ese and a-Russ-i-an folk, don' really get along, those two. So, while the Western lands (and Japan) are driving around in hybrid-y au-tos, the more backwardy-type places will still be a-running on only The Crude products. Who knows better how to really make that pay for the Middle East than we do? And to sell tires, too. Then, by the time the oil really runs out, we can give 'em our hand-me-down techo-nology, like we always do. Everybody wins. You know. Kinda like that "Schindler's Listing" show. And some of us REALLY win!!! Moolah moolah moolah! And how!

Clarke: But allow me to inquire: if it's the Islamic militant fundamentalists we fear so much, which is understandable, why are you fomenting the Christian Right in the U.S. to continue with their nonsense? Why are you empowering them?

GWB: Me empowering them? Heh heh... you got that a liddle bit a-reversed, dontcha, Boyee?

Where we a-gonna get the soldiers, Son? We can't count on the patriotic and the broke to unsuspectingly join the Guard, can we? A month or two at Ft. Bragg turning into two years very, very much elsewhere?... But if ya survive, and if yer smart.. and well-connected... yer in on the ground floor of financial opportunity, Iraqi-wise. See? Even if ya got nothing left of yer arms be-low yer elbows, mebbe! Who we gonna call? Just the Cho-loes? Or the Af-ree-can-A-mer-eee-cans..? There's only so many Marines we can get out of those people- they're still a minority, ya know, even though we keep a-tellin' them on the tee-vee that they've got jest plenty ta spare, all the time.

(the fifth part of this inspiring conversation tomorrow)

IS anything funny, anymore? GWB and Clarke, Part Three

I know. Nothing much funny, these days. That's why I'm slowly posting this long (fictional yet oddly real) dialogue between Our President and Richard A. Clarke that I began two postings ago. As you'll see from reading the two previous posts, Mr. Clarke and Mr. President are discussing things in pre 9/11 July, 2001.

I know what you're thinking: "Richard A. Clarke, that was so very two months ago. "

Rather than object to the incredible shallowness of such a sentiment in this modern-day-space-age-a-go-go world, I'll appeal, instead, to your sense of nostalgia for those bygone days when things were bad, but not as bad as they are right now. Why, way back in the day, Mr. Clarke's book and allegations were Topic Numero One... and don't you miss those times when the body count in Iraq was lower than it is now, and before we began seeing the sort of photos and images we're now seeing? Sure ya do.

So, let's take a trip down memory lane, to those less complicated times of only two months ago... and, of course, through my writing, to July. 2001, where Clarke and GWB were just discussing a certain Intelligence Director whose first name is George.

RC: Yes, I know. He tells me you meet with him first thing.... every.... single morning.

GWB: Yep. Well, jes here in town. And at Camp David. I was thinkin' 'bout making that feller haul his butt over to Crawford, TX each morning I'm there to meet with me face to face, too, but I thought that'd be a-pushin' it. Say, how you know 'ol Georgy? You speak to him??

RC: Yes, of course. Sir-

GWB: Ever call him "Georgy Girl"?

RC: Um.. no.

GWB: Thas good. Be a little bit over-the-line. 'sides, he could call me "Georgy Girl", and I wouldn' like it. That could go on all mornin'. Be a waste of tax-payer dollars.

RC: I've been working for the Federal Government for two decades, Sir. On State matters. And many of those for the White House. So I've had occasion to meet with the Central Intelligence Director.

GWB: Ya don't say!

RC: But, Sir... not wanting to stray from the topic... but do you really think it's essential for you to meet with the Intelligence Director each and every morning?

GWB: Yep. First thing.

RC: But.. why, Sir? Can't you use the secure telephones? The video conference room?

GB: Naw: (whispers jokingly) Can't trust em. Heh heh heh.. naw, it aint that. I just like to see that Dukakis-looking youngster showing up and standing on my office rug every day. First thing. Dontcha think he looks like Dukakis? I sure do.

RC I suppose. Sir.

GWB: Hee hee. Yep. Or maybe I jes' like him. Or I don' trust him. He sure looks tired, sometimes. But he's a bright fella. All you hangers-on from Sicky-Billy-Bangy are perty smart. Work like dogs, too. Even McClinton, when he wasn't a-slobberin' over some whorish creature of Satan.

RC: At any rate..

GWB: Now, looky here, Old-timer. Heh. I meet with lotsa people know lotsa things. Especially about Iraq.

RC: I'm sure you do.

GWB: By the way.. have you noticed that George has been acting funny, lately?

RC: Funny, Sir?

GWB: Yeh.. funny-like. Like his head is hot. Like a... like a hotty-head, like.

RC: You mean as if his hair is about to be on fire?

GWB: Yeah! See? That's why I keep some of you Clit-on guys around. It isn't just to blame someone when the cow pats hit the air conditioner. Y'all work so much harder than we do!

RC: Well, just make sure that no one around here beats you to it, Sir

GWB: Uuuuh.... Iraq!.... Huh? Whatcha mean? Working harder?

RC: No, Sir. I mean the blaming thing.

GWB: Well, that won't happen. You'll see just from the all- night sessions in Congress we're plannin' that we're the meanest sons- a - bee-yotch-es since.. since.. well, since the Ronnie years. Naw, we stuck it to Bill-ary pretty good, too. Heh heh heh.

RC: But to get to my essential point-

GWB: (exasperated) Yaw yaw yaw, yeah. I know: Asama ben Talibanny. They've all told me you had something in yer craw, Father. Yer gonna turn into some kinda blah-blahdi-blah woo-ry-wart kinda guy. I'll just act like this last part of the meeting never even took place. (puts hands over ears) La la lal-ly, la la la la la laaaaaaa. (singing)"As I-IIIIII walked dowwwwn the streets of La-redo.."

RC: Personally, I'm starting to really wonder why you're keeping me around here, Sir. I can hardly get a word in.

GWB: I told ya, Dicky bin Used- ta- be-with-Slicky! We gotta have someone to pin this on! If things go bad. We need to insinuate bad advice from saboteurs within the pre-vi-ous administration.

RC: Pin what, Sir?

(Indeed.. pin what?? Stay tuned.)

So Glad You're Back for Part 2. Woo Woo.

(As you may recall, Richard A. Clarke was having difficulty discussing the problem of the Taliban in July of 2001 with his top superior and Commander-in-Chief, GWB. If you don't recall any of this, just read the more recent posting. In fact, reread it, anyway. It's hilarious.)

RC: Be that as it may, you did just say 'Iraq", Sir.

GWB: Um.... I did? When?

RC: Just then. Before you mentioned Afghanistan.

GWB: Oh. That's nuthin'. Just a daily reminder to myself.

RC: Reminder? May I ask of what, Sir?

GWB:.... It's a rehab thing.

RC: Yes, Sir. It's what's going on in Afghanistan that I happen to be specifically concerned with, at the moment. I think there's something very serious brewing in Afghanistan.

GWB: And Iraq?

RC: No, Sir, I-

GWB: Are you tellin' me nothing serious is happenin' in Iraq, then, Cowpoke?

RC: No, I certainly didn't mean that, Sir. I'd like to focus, however, for a few moments, on Afghanistan..

GWB: Oh! Woo hoo hoo! "Afghannystan! Afghannystan!" We've got that Sad-damn over there with his death stands and his torture garages and his U S supplied heli-opters, and all, and he took a shot at mah Daddy a couple or more years a-go, and yet all you wanna do is talk about Afghanistan. And that's not what I came here to do.

RC: Sorry, Sir?

GWB: Nothin'. By the way, do you know why on earth Dad was out there in Sad-damn Country just a few short years after he'd bombed ol' Baghdad... and with all that shady stuff going on 'round there?

RC: No, Sir. I can't say that I understand exactly why.

GWB: Gee. Me neither. Anyway, Clark Tsar, Dr. Condy a-warned me 'bout you. How ya might try to un -mount my attention from far more 'portant things. Like, fer instance, getting tax money fer religious schools.. or, say... Iraq!

RC: Sir, I can assure you, I'm not trying to... to "un-mount" anything.. except the very real threat that thousands of Americans may die in the next few months. Innocent Americans. And I think it would be a mistake to ignore-

GWB: You tryin' to say I made a mistake? Huh?

RC: No, Sir-

GWB: And what's this "innocent" stuff? Huh? No one's innocent, Friend. "For all have sinned and fallen short-like from the Glory of God" Know what that's from?

RC: Sounds... a little... like.....

GWB: Like... The Bible??? The Holy Bible???? God's Holy Bible? Jesus' Holy Writ??? Damn straight! Maybe it wasn't a direct, poetic-ky kinda quote, but Tony Blair sticks his big Enger-lish nose in the King James Fantsy-Pantsy Perty Lingo Bible every day- I seen 'im do it! - and I'm just about to show him who's boss, yet, just the same..

RC: But you could make a mistake if you don't focus your key attention on the Taliban.. the crazy group running things in Afghanistan.. I'm quite serious.

GWB: Yeah, me too! Aw, don't tell me. I'm the Honcho, round here, now. Not that cracker adulterous perjureee- infested... Jewess-friggin' wife-swapper with lesbies- if ya know what I mean! Slicky-Wicky Willy. Okay? And under oath. Got me? I know all about that Tally-ban, over there.. is this about those damned Buddhist-ism statues? Ones they blew up in May?

RC: Not exactly, Sir, but I do think it's a good symptom, an indicator, of the tremendously destructive mindset the Taliban has. Everyone begged them not to do it. Even Pakistan tried-

GWB: Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were really old statues, too, I know.. Mighty big shame. I remember feeling bad 'bout it even though they are heathen practices, them far-eastern-like ways, out there. Prob-ly why they took to Commun-isms so quickly, some of 'em. Yah think yer the only-est one in-formed, huh? Yah know all about it, dontcha? Well, lemme tell you something. You know George?

RC: You mean the Director.. or.. the other Mr. Bush... or..?

GWB: You know "Little George", huh? Did you know my Dad had the same 'xact job as he had? Before he even had my job??

RC: Yes, I do.. know that.. Sir...

GWB: Ain't that somethin'? Now, don't you think that means I'm perty well connected to knowin' 'bout these things, these 'Stannystan things? Hah? Or, what?

RC: Yes, I know. He tells me you meet with him first thing.... every.... single morning.

GWB: Yep. Well, here in town, usually, anyway. And at Camp David. I was thinkin' 'bout making that feller haul his butt over to Crawford, TX each morning I'm there to meet with me face to face, too, but I thought that'd be a-pushin' it. Say, how you know 'ol Georgy? You speak to him??

RC: Yes, of course. Sir-

GWB: Ever call him "Georgy Girl"?

RC: Um.. no.

GWB: Thas' good. Be a little bit over-the-line. "sides, he could call me "Georgy Girl", and I wouldn' like it. That could go on all mornin'. Be a waste of tax-payer dollars.

(Part Three, presently)

R.A.C. & G.W.B!! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!! Well, no, not exactly, but I think it looks funny

July, 2001
Washington, D.C.

Richard A. Clarke: And, so, there you have it, Sir.

GWB: Wow. That's really something. Glad I sat down with you. That was amazin'. What is-sit called, again? Cy-bo-terror?

R. Clarke: It's cyber-terrorism. I think it'll be a big problem, as I've explained.

GWB: Yeah, ya did. (to an assistant) Yah gettin' all this?

RC: While we're at it, Sir, I've cut this particular briefing just a little short-

GWB: Say, so ya did! I 'preciate that, Clarke. The Condster told me that you'd want a full two hours. Means I can get to that prayer luncheon a little early! Thanks. Those people never say as much, but they get a little snippy-like if yer half a second late. They're in a hurry. Ya know. Rapture's comin'.

RC: Actually, Sir, I stopped total focus on the cyber-terrorism issue a little early because I had something else I wanted to speak with you about that concerns a larger, but related, topic-

GWB: Say, you're a pretty bright feller. I thought you were in charge of all the anti-terrorism stuff 'round here. Whatcha doing briefing me on just this 'puter business?

RC: To be frank, Sir, it's taken me half a year to even get a meeting with you about this subject.

GWB: Whatsa matter? Being a little loose with the chores 'round here since we took the reigns? Aww, that's okay. Ya must've been exhausted after the transition... all that guardin' against the "Millenium-ne-um threat. And fer all I know, our party was trying to stick even you with a subpeany all throughout them 90s. (suddenly very concerned) We didn't, did we?

RC: Uh, no, sir. And, actually, I happen to be a registered Republican.

GWB: Damn, thas a good thing! Everyone has assured me that without someone like you 'round here on the ol' lookout we "new" folks'd all be royally screwed-up-in-the-hindquarters-area in the event of some ol' attack! I mean we'd maybe be kilt! Heh heh.

RC: Uh.. heh... heh.

GWB: Naw, I'm sure yer likely ta keep us safe.

RC: I hope so, SIr.

GWB: Okay, "Terror Man".. what's on yer mind? (to assistant) Kin we be sorta private-like, myself and Senor Ricardo, there? (assistant leaves) Heh heh, he's a good say-ker-o-ta-teery but I can't call 'im that! (smirking awkwardly) Have ta call him mah 'sas-sistunt! Heh heh heh. ...yah know?

RC: Sir, I've really wanted to speak with you about Afghanistan for months, now, and particularly about the Taliban and al Quada.

GWB: Afghanis... hey! Oh-ho.. I get it! I remember. So yer the one that's been a-pestering Ricey-baby about them "cells" and sech!

RC: I've simply been persistently requesting some sort of audience, or at least a principals meeting-

GWB: Principals meeting! Ooooo! Sounds heavy to go and meet wit' the PRINCIPLES, don' it, now! Oooooooo!!
Well, I'm as high on that par-tic-u-lar tree yer tryin' ta shake as anyone else 'round here- ceptin' fer (pointing upwards) Him!

RC: Howard Taft, Sir?

GWB: Naw, not the wall por-trait, Mister! I mean The Man Upstairs! Jesus H. Christ!

RC: Um, yes, Sir. However, seriously-

GWB: Am serious, Pilgrim. (coughs) Iraq.

RC: Sorry, Sir? ... Iraq?

GWB: Nothin', nothin'.

(Clarke says nothing)

GWB: Now, about this Afghanistanny business.... Maybe I've never been there.... in fact, maybe I haven't really been anywhere 'ceptin' Meh-hee-coh before I became yer U.S. President, but...

RC: Yes, which is.. remarkable. Be that as it may, you did just say "Iraq", Sir.

GWB: Um.... I did? When?

RC: Just then. Before you mentioned Afghanistan.

GWB: Oh. That's nuthin'. Just a daily reminder to myself.

RC: Reminder? May I ask of what, Sir?

GWB: .... It's a rehab thing.

(to be continued)

COINTELPRO

Sorry that I haven't posted in a week, but I thought I had better do it if only to satisfy the nonstop whining I've been getting in the thousands of emails I've received because of my overt absence. Good God, will you people never tire of me? There's only so much of me that you can lay claim to. And, listen: you don't have to keep all your comments only between you and I. Feel free to open up and post comments for everyone to see and enjoy. If I dislike them I'll simply delete them faster than you can say "That's all right, Mr. President- I'll answer that question for you."

Man, oh, man... if you few fellas out there who read me - yes, even men form a portion of my vast fanbase- if you guys didn't go to join your sisters at the March for Women's Lives this most recent weekend - then that's great- because it meant that much more for me. And let me tell you it was squeeze city all throughout the D.C. for a true tiger such as myself. We partied until the very sunrise, and it's taken me all this time to get past my headache enough to be capable of typing a few well-placed words.

But it wasn't just the endless fun - it was the planning of world domination by subversive forces that really always switches my lights on. Oh, the plans We, the UnHoly, have: the overthrow of Family Values, of course, being first on our list, but followed none too quickly by heartfelt rebellion against all Men of True Character (the "Character" issue is really a big, big deal with Us) and then piqued by a good healthy dollop of plans for a ruthless, furtive crusade and battle against all that occurs in the name of righteousness, decency, morality, and self-reliance. Just for fun we rounded up every copy we could find of anything written by Adam Smith and Ayn Rand (they were quite prolific writers, those two!) - and then used them to set alight our marijuana cigarettes laced with extasy (extacy? I get the spelling for that so messed up, I'm always on "the x" when I try to find out the spelling from my co-abusers) but also fringed with a little pure heroin, just to be Old Skool about it. Then we went out in a very large and spiritually ugly vigilante-style mob armed with frying pans, potato "ricers", softball and baseball bats, and those things that you used to see advertised to lock up steering wheels in cars... and we beat up five policemen!

And what orgy of this sort would be complete without a communal orgasm gazing at a wall-sized photographic collage of Karl Marx, Mrs. Roosevelt, and The Great Horned One, Himself, Satan, all of them being depicted "getting it on" with one another? No orgy that I would ever want to attend.

So you guys really missed out. Secretly, we hope to join our Republican brothers (and sisters) in their race towards the Apocalypse, that's all. You have a problem with that? Hell, I wanted to grab a few of those decidedly awkward anti-reproductive rights people and bring them to our party, letting them in on what they clearly don't understand, yet -- that we're all on the same side, ultimately. Those people think we're all just a lot of bookworm hippy-dippy pushover naive Goddess worshipping duped vegan French speaking elitist neocommunists... which is probably, also, why they feel they can be such incredible bullies to Us, the UnGodly Ones, too, I suppose. Let's just face it.

But, truthfully, we're just helping things along, albiet behind the scenes, satisfying both our need for instant gratification of the most hedonistic variety imaginable, and our UnHoly Dream for Total Real Chaos by fomenting non-Judeo-Christian sympathies wherever we may go, so that one day males will dominate women completely and entirely, when the Far Right finally wins, after all the real men in the world have decided that they'd had just about enough, that the oil had run out and had permanently left humanity with nothing left to do, and no recourse to do anything clever about it, nothing cleverer than making sure those missiles have all been fired, and the landscape is as stark, lifeless, and devoid of future potential as Los Angeles County has automobiles.

And speaking of the Apocalypse, well-placed words, and geeks: something I noticed at the March as festivities began to wind down was that in a song that Ani DiFranco sang onstage she used the term "COINTELPRO".. and, no, I'm not calling Ani a geek. Actually, I'm calling her a pixie: she's a pixie! And I'm not being nasty, Ani. And sorry if I spelled Ani DiFranco or COINTELPRO's names incorrectly, because, as I've explained, I still have a headache.

No, the reason I've brought up geeks is that I thought the infamous term COINTELPRO was only really commonly thought to be seriously pondered by geeks, and nowadays only on the internet, of course. Or in the cheapest and shabbiest of publications. But paranoia has really hit the mainstream, now, man. Which is to say that women also, apparently, ponder such things as this term, COINTELPRO, that I had heretofore thought was only pondered within a certain ilk of our amazing society. If you want to know what COINTELPRO means if you don't happen to know - even if you simply want to know what it means because Ani DiFranco was mentioning it in a song and not because you have a Paranoia-Enabling Worry Habit- rather than explain it, here, I'll task you to do a search for it on your most secure and trusted search mechanism- even though we all know there's no such thing as a secure search mechanism, anymore. Don't we?

Of course, I wasn't really altogether "into" "The X-Files", and am probably and irrevocably "out of the loop" as far as what's popular is concerned - except for this my very popular blog website. As a result of this "nonloopiness" I was so impressed that Ms. DiFranco included "COINTELPRO" in her lyric (I'm sorry, but I've been far too busy with my myriad of evil purposes to pay much attention to her, and was thus ignorant of this song before I heard it at the Gathering of the UnGodly on the Mall. Well, actually... I saw her singing it on C-SPAN) that I've decided, in order to be one of the very-hip-and-with-it, Modern Day A-Go-Go That's Way Cool, Daddio type of people, that I will attempt, at least once a week, to include the term COINTELPRO in my postings from this time, onwards. So tell me that that isn't something to look forward to.

Return very soon! You know you want to do it - coming up:

Fun With Dick and George, Part One

Mel Gibson???

Mel Gibson? Mel Gibson?? You mean the Mel Gibson?

And he's made another movie? And he directed it? No, way! You mean like Braveheart? No way!

And the movie's about Jesus Christ? Oh, Man! That should be just total bitchin'!! Oh, Man! And he plays Jesus Christ? Mel Gibson playing Jesus Christ??? Oh, that's gonna rock, Man!! Rock I T !!!

Does he get to kill anybody?? Oh, Dude, tell me he gets to kill somebody - Dude, did you see that Braveheart?? Mel fuckin' KICKED SOME total ASS in that one!!! So he gets to kick some ass -- and he's the foukin' Jesus Christ?? Oh, MAN!!! Talk about your mean-ass Jesus Christ, in that one!! FAUK, Man!!!

Shit, Dude, I bet you sure as fauk don't mess around with Mel Gibson as Jesus Christ!! In that Braveheart, Man - did you see that, Man?- in foukin' Braveheart Mel be chuamp chuamp chuamp chuamp radical bitchin' killer Mel, Man! You don't fuckin' mess with that historical Braveheart mother FUCKER, MAN!!!!

That's some radical shit with Mel Gibson as Jesus Christ!! He be lookin down at the Romans, Man, you know on the CROSS, Man? Roman go up to him "Hey, Jesus, whas up on the cross, Jesus" and Mel be talking 'bout WHOAMP, Man, kick that Roman fuckerrr right in the face, Dude, kick that Roman man's head right off, Bro. Like, totally bitchin' brilllllll-i-ant, Man! Leper come up to Mel as Jesus, Mel be like "Hey, Leper, suit up, Dude, cause it's time to be kickin' some Roman boo-tay and ta-kin' down all the names, Hombre!"

Mel go into some out-rageous Roman town, he got him a whole ARMY O' LEPERS, they come in and give 'em all leprosy, in the town, Man. Awesome, Homes.

Is it out, yet? Is it playin' anywhere? Is it out on DVD? Wanna see The Mel Gibson as THE ROAD WARRIOR JESUS CHRIST, MAN!!! That'll rock this world, Bro-day! You see 'im with that Lethal Weapon? Lethal Weapon 2? Lethal Weapon 3? Mel be all "Hey, Man, I'm going nuts like Curly Three Stooges, woo woo woo woo woo, and now Mel gonna be the Jesus Christ Crazy Cop Curlyman, go "woop woop woop" walk around on the water, take the water and "woop woop woop" it's some fine home brewwww-skaaaaah, Gen-tle-men, and "tonight I'm buying the rounds because I'm Mr. FUCKIN' JESUS H CHRIST, please, Sonny!!"

And did you ever see that one.. oh oh oh oh.. the one about the soldiers from Australia? Break.. Break.. Breaker... Breaker Morant?? Yeah-popularly dismissed as art house cinema but critically acclaimed worldwide as part of a renewed interest in the Australian cinema, it introduced Gibson to the world! Early Peter Weir effort, I believe. Wait, I stand corrected: Bruce Beresford. FAUKIN' FUCKING MEL, Dude!

And did you see him in that movie on the ship with that Cannibal guy?? What's it... it's a ship.. and then they fuckin' Mutiny on the Cannibal guy's ass? I mean the actor.... you know, he was that Cannibal-professor dude in those others ones, Man, and it was so nais-ty, Man... naw, not with Mel, Mel was on the ship one with that English guy who was Cannibal-man in the other flick... oh, Man. Well, so... Bounty!The Bounty!!

Man, the Cannibal guy plays this Captain guy who isn't even a cannibal, Dude, and then he says to Gibson "Hey, you my First Mate, I'm the English Captain and I'm a bitch on wheels" and Mel's all "No you AINT, Mother FUckerrrssssss" and then Mel done Mutinied all up on his Cannibal English ass, like! It was compelling.

So, then, like Mel Gibson gonna be the Jesus, Es-see. He be like a Terminator Jesus, but he be better than Ah-nold Jesus, Man, because Ah-nold Jesus be all like "Ah'll be back -- as a thief in the night, for thou knowest not the hour of My coming" and everyone be like "Aww, sit down Ah-nold Jesus, you already governor, Man" and Ah-nold Jesus be like "Hasta Luega, Baby" or whatever that shit was that he said and Mary Magdalene be all "Ah-nold Jesus, you're not like my Mel Gibson Jesus Christ, go back to Yugoslavia" and Ah-nold be like "Whoopi- Ti-Yi- Oh, Mother Fucker" except then Bruce Willis Jesus would get mad and come in and kick Ah-nold Jesus' ASS, Bro-my!

Ah, and you say Mel has the full direction credit, as well? Just as in Braveheart ! The scamp! Is it yet available in a novelization, perhaps? How I do love those!

Whaa? or "Hey, You've Got Your 'Ceremony' In My 'Ritual'!"

On the PBS News Hour this wet Friday evening one of the featured segments concerned the newly available photos of flag-draped caskets coming back to the U.S., and how the Bush administration has thus far been preventing such images being available to the public.

At one point during the commentary regarding this story on PBS, the apologist for the White House took issue with the terminology being used to describe what the (living) soldiers partake in at Dover Air Force Base when they stand at attention in their full-dress uniforms, etc., as the bodies come back in their coffins and are brought out of the transports. He said that what happens at the base when the caskets are brought out of the aircraft is not a "ceremony", but, rather, a "ritual".

Oh, Jesus H. This is the kind of "parsing" that would make President Clinton blush, except that this time it isn't about ejaculative stains on a dress, or about whether the phrase "have sex" includes nonpenetrative activities between consenting adults. It's about why Americans are being denied images of our war dead coming back, and what happens during the ceremonial process they're given by our government. Ceremonial. If I didn't know any better I would think you folks in charge, especially those who never served in any sort of combat duty, were somehow ashamed of this war. Well, Mission Almost Accomplished.

This is the sort of language exception that Dr. Rice was taking throughout her testimony on Cap. Hill, recently. It was as if every damned phrase and question had to be constantly contradicted and qualified and dicked with by her - especially if it came out of the mouth of a Democrat panelist, or from the press. Damn it.

What's the essential difference, in the context of whatever it is the domestic soldiers do when our war dead's remains are returned to us, the people, between a "ritual" and a "ceremony"? But, okay. Just keep it up. Keep insulting our intelligence.

It isn't up as of yet, but you should be able to read or see or hear the discussion from Friday's program on PBS.org when you go to their NewsHour (their spelling) section, presently. This is a program, incidentally, that anyone with any discernment ought to be checking out regularly. It's generally on PBS at six or seven p.m. throughout the nation, and you don't need cable to get it - some television is still broadcast, you know. It calmly devotes almost an entire hour to current events, each weeknight, without commercial interruption once they really get started, and without too much flashiness and distracting graphics or pretentious mood music (yeah, that's right, I said pretentious. Some heavily-used words are being used a lot for a reason, and that's one that needs to be on a lot of tongues, these days). The core staff of The News Hour are bright people who aren't there because their teeth are blindingly white, or because their hair is always nice and big and fluffy and full, or because they have no wrinkles. None of them seem at all like fashion models hired to read the news out loud. You're already paying for public television, so take a look. The guy who hosts is the guy you saw presiding in the televised debates connected with our most recent presidential contest, Jim Lehrer. Go, Jim!

Have a nice weekend.

I'm Back. And I'm Black. And I'm Harder Than a Heart Attack

Okay, someone very close to me just stole the forthcoming comment/joke of mine for her much more popular "b-log" (I called it "b-log" for about half a year... which annoyed her, for some reason). Her version of the joke, incidentally, is a far more G-Rated version than mine. So, you've been warned.

I wanted to comment on this alternative weekly press story which you can read all about on aan.org, wherein we're treated to a general summary of a memo by a U.S. intelligence officer or official or high-level lacky, or whichever, who is writing in the missive that was leaked to the reporter regarding how things really were in Iraq in March- if you want to read all about it, go to aan.org, and they'll hook you up. Apparently the mainstream news people have taken a great deal of interest in this story, and the interest may grow... it looks like one of those things they make a big deal about on the tellebision after people who read have been chewing on it for a week or more.

What I found really very troubling about the memo is that this memo-writing person was sent to Iraq, of all places, on the taxpayer's dime, I'm assuming-- and yet this great expert on foreign politics and tribal warfare confesses to the reader that he/she had never seen any of The Godfather movies prior to watching them all one evening with some high ranking Kurds this year. Really! Not even the mediocre third one, in the eighties. There's something uniquely disturbing about that, isn't there?

Maybe the memo writer was a mere child when even the third movie was released. Which means we really are in a whole lot of incredible trouble, doesn't it?

Of course, I'm assuming that if the memo writer is one of those Log Cabin Republicans then we can be assured that he's seen, at least, Lawrence of Arabia. Actually, if it is a Log Cabin Republican then he's very probably seen it nine times this year alone. Especially in these most recent two years. And possibly even humped the little circle in the center of the DVD. You know. Commitment.

Oooooooooh. Okay, I'm sorry if you think that was a joke slamming gay people. Actually, it's just a joke slamming Neocon Republican gay males.. see the difference? Well, you should!

I just sort of cringe at the thought of a club for gay members of the G.O.P. It reminds me of the Jews for Jesus group- talk about wanting to stand out, huh? How much punishment can someone wish to heap on themselves?

Seriously, I strongly condemn in the most serious terms the joke I just made about both the Log Cabin group, and the Jews for Jesus... thang. I'm so very ashamed. I'm stressed: walking down my street this evening my way was sort of blocked on a busy street with a narrow sidewalk by a fairly loud guy on a cell phone who could very easily have been a Log Cabin Republican. There are a lot of them here, these days, so I've been told. He was sauntering down the street and sort of taking up much of the sidewalk width.

Even when he was on the other side of the street I could hear him whinnying or even braying into his phone. You know the kind. Just lower your voices, Fellas. I'm not always in the mood to hear your loud, loud public commentaries. On the phone or off. Maybe you think you're a Socrates or a Plato roaming the streets of a post-post-modern Athens, commenting in witty fashion in your finest stage pannnnnnnnnnnnache- but you most probably aren't. You know how I know? Because we all get to hear your lenghty
force-fed monologues on the bus, train, the streets, grocery stores, everywhere. Lower it. Demure was so out that it's in again. See? That appeals, no?

Seriously, if you're under fifty and have never actually seen Lawrence of Arabia, do so right away. The modern-day-a-go-go thing to say these days, so I understand, is how very much the end of Lawrence is like the situation we may be in, you know.. over there. In Iraq. Or Afghanistan. Or both. Or maybe everywhere, now.

And even more seriously... if you're over fifty and live in Europe, the U.S., that Canadian region , the U.K., or Japan, or any place in the "developed world", and especially if you have more than a poverty level income and have had access to a video player or DVD player for over a month of your fifty long years, and if you haven't ever taken the trouble to sit through Lawrence of Arabia.. then please don't ever return to my site. Just go away. There's nothing to see, here.

A Whole New World

At the press conference:

GWB: I suppose my answer to that would be... uh... you know, the world changed after September the 11th, 2001.... There was a shift-ing of the American consciousness. The priorities and soul of America changed from whence it was prior to that awful day that I shan't soon forget.

Correspondent: If what you're claiming is... indeed... true, Mr. President... then why in the holy fuck are people still watching that god damned fucking Survivor horseshit? Huh???

You've heard this one already, today

The big rumour in D.C. is that the gweat, big surprise tonight at eight-thirty is that after Monsieur El Presidente Bush gives his big, extremely rare press conference, (and just when we need his loving, guiding, and svelte touch, too, may I add), "The Donald" will come out, sit across a table from him, and saaaaaaay,

"You're stupid!"

Har har har HAR! Naw naw naw naw.... he'll come out and sit across a table from Our President and saaaaaaay,

"You're stupid. And you're fired!"

Yuck yuck yuck. No no no no..... Mr. Trump will come out and sit across a table from Mr. Bush and proclaim,

"You're a big dummy brain. Dummy. Dummy dumb dumb. Dumby dumb dumb-dumb. Dumb-de-dumb-de-dumb dumb dumb. So, you're fired. No, really, get outta my site, you're a mess. Ya big dummy."

I mock and taunt and insult and jeer... because I love. Ah, but which gentleman do I actually mock?? Hm? Please send me your votes, and I will skew them according to my will.

"The FBI starring Efram Zimbalist, Jr! In Color!"

Hey, for those of you who were busy last night and didn't get to see Paramount's Homeland Security on NBC, here are some memorable highlights from the Easter evening telecast:

(Tom Skerritt is the academic who is called by the White House to head the Department of Homeland Security just under Secretary Ridge. No, we never get to meet Ridge in person, which would have been fun. Skerritt's character has a second banana who is a loveable, somewhat twitchy yet urbane guy whose name is.. Saul. And don't tell me you didn't see that coming)

Saul: (looking at Skerritt's character intently) When I said I didn't want Homeland Security to become America's Gestapo (he casts his eyes away, looking downward)... I really meant it.

(Hey, those are comforting words, Saul, because earlier in the broadcast the dumbass Goys across America were all intently wondering about that sincerity question regarding you, of course....)

(A blonde, blue eyed, tough guy CIA agent gets a call to go to Oakland's Lake Merritt in California where the FBI is involved in a heavy stakeout of a large terrorist cell. CIA guy whose name and portrayer I forget because I'm not intelligent enough to remember knocks on the door of the ratty hole-in-the-wall where the domestic Feds are set up)

CIA guy: Open up. I'm the Good Guys. (or some variation of that as he shows his ID through the door's peephole. A young FBI agent not busy at the stakeout gear table lets him in)
FBI guy: Hey, so you're a spook, huh? (chuckles incredulously) Sorry, man. It's just that I've never actually met one of you guys, before.
CIA guy: That's okay- we'll be working a lot closer together from now on.
FBI guy: Amen to that.

(Scott Glenn is an old-timer at the Agency who is going to retire on 9/11 when he comes out of retirement due to the attacks and finds himself on horseback a few scenes later, in Afghanistan, aiding the Northern Alliance in some of the program's more expensive scenes due to all the comp generated effects in the explosion and battle depictions. At one point they go into an underground facility in a hill that has been blasted by U.S. airborne fighters, and Glenn comments wearily about all the body parts lying around that they find in the cave, very probably a major al Quada stronghold. As he goes further into the cave with a flashlight he comes across what is clearly an abandoned intraveneous feeding bag on a stand... then a dialysis machine... then something that looks like an unusual cane that, I assume, is meant to be one of bin Laden's well-known possessions. It's clear that the Primo Catch has once again eluded them... and, of course, us, as well)

Scott Glenn's CIA character: (as he holds up the cane between himself in close-up and the camera) Son of a bitch!

Uh.. yeah! Son of a bitch, indeed! Gee, that'd be my reaction, too, in the same situation!
The two hour program, which had no warnings about violence during the breaks (maybe there was one at the very beginning, but I'm not sure) was unusually violent for primetime network television, especially without those parental warnings, including at least one unflinching shot of a point blank shooting into the head (there were several shootings like that) and a wide eyed closeup of a sniper victim with a blood puddle seeping onto the pavement from the back of his skull... and I must say that these seemed to be lifted/borrowed/stolen from the more shocking shots of Schindler's List, except that this wasn't a black and white offering, of course. The drama looked to me to be the premiere episode of a proposed series, although I don't know if NBC has picked it up. Think the FCC might prevent it?

Easter Sandwich

"Truth is, my fellow Americans," he said, smirking waggishly at the camera, "is that this year you're all being served a giant, jumbo helping of our recipe for Easter Sandwich - and you're all just gonna hafta take a big ol' bite!"

Inaugural Posting

For the event of this my virgin foray into "publishing" in the area that was only yesterday hailed as "web diaries", but then was changed into a much more serious "online journals", but now goes by the much more modern and cryptical title of "blogs", I have prepared some answers to friends and other confidants from questions that they have been nagging me about. This will, no doubt, make little sense to the rest of you (I count three of you, thus far), and I do apologize for my self-indulgence, and I do beg your patience, but I do feel it important to respond to these matters while I'm doing this blog thing, for my time is of great, great value to me. I just need to get this out of the way... and then it's happy blogging addressed to you, the reader who doesn't know me. So, here goes:

1. No, of course not.

Continue reading "Inaugural Posting"